Category: Mindfulness

Posted on by

Inteligencia Emocional en tiempos de Crisis Política

Read in English 

Nací en Puerto Cabello, una idílica ciudad costera, en la bella Venezuela. Soy hija de inmigrantes portugueses, mis padres como tantos otros, vinieron de Europa para construir un mejor futuro en un país en rápido crecimiento.

Venezuela recibió a mis queridos padres con la templanza de sus paisajes, la calidez y alegría de su gente y con toda su disposición a compartir su prosperidad con aquellos que con trabajo arduo decidieron ser parte de este, su país adoptivo.

La conexión humana en Venezuela es muy estrecha, y siempre fue fácil encontrar una excusa para reunirnos con amigos para celebrar, ver un juego o una película juntos, o simplemente brindar por la vida.

Hoy en día, la realidad para una inmensa mayoría en Venezuela es diferente. Nuestra prometedora Venezuela se derrumbó; las cosas que alguna vez dimos por sentadas ya no existen. Incluso los alimentos básicos son escasos, y muchas personas se ven obligadas a buscarlos en la basura, tomando turnos para buscar restos que compartir.

Las calles han perdido alegría, el miedo ha ocupado su lugar y la inseguridad ha crecido a pasos agigantados. La corrupción de nuestras clases políticas es abismal, causando disparidad y alienación. Solo aquellos que tienen los recursos para pagarle a alguien por un pasaporte pueden soñar con un destino diferente; tal vez un destino como el que soñaron mis padres cuando salieron de Europa hace tantos años.

Quienes aún encuentran motivos para permanecer en Venezuela, o simplemente no tienen los recursos para irse, han aceptado tener agua algunos días, electricidad e internet (cuando se tiene) inestable y una dieta que depende de lo que este disponible. Recibimos con cierta normalidad las noticias de un ser querido asesinado a manos de un delincuente (con uniforme o no).

A pesar de la belleza de nuestro paisaje y sus abundantes recursos naturales, hoy vivimos en esta crisis. Durante la reciente situación del apagón en Venezuela, me permití reflexionar sobre como el conocimiento adquirido en mi entrenamiento en Inteligencia Emocional podría ayudarnos a mí ya mi familia durante esos oscuros días.

En mi experiencia, tener Inteligencia Emocional marcó la diferencia entre sobrevivir la experiencia y vivirla con propósito.

¿Cómo puede ser útil la inteligencia emocional cuando nuestras necesidades básicas están en juego?

Autoconciencia emocional

Lo primero que debes tener en cuenta son tus emociones.

Por unos minutos cada mañana y todas las noches practiqué meditación para calmar mi respiración. Durante el día, tomé conscientemente la decisión de escuchar mi cuerpo y asociar sus cambios con mis emociones. Eso me dió la oportunidad de intervenir antes de que mis emociones aumentaran. Cuando los latidos de mi corazón se aceleraban y sentía un cierto nudo en el pecho y la garganta, sabia que estaba en presencia del miedo o la angustia, que me acompañaron durante esos días.

Hice un esfuerzo por identificar el desencadenante de esas emociones y reacciones en mi cuerpo. Me di cuenta de que los factores desencadenantes ocurrían cuando revisaba mentalmente mi plan para enfrentar el día sin agua, sin electricidad, con alimentos sin refrigerar y con opciones limitadas para cubrir mis necesidades básicas. Durante estos momentos, los latidos desordenados en mi pecho fueron acompañados por el caos de mis pensamientos, que daban lugar a la angustia y el miedo. Tomar conciencia de mi desencadenante me permitió luego, ejercer un mayor control sobre mis reacciones mientras planificaba mi día.

Balance Emocional

Una vez que utilicé la autoconciencia emocional, que es la base del modelo de Inteligencia Emocional (IE) de Daniel Goleman, aproveché las habilidades relacionadas con el manejo de mis emociones. El balance emocional me ayudó a gestionar mis emociones y controlar mis reacciones ante ellas. Esto fue particularmente útil para mí, porque a pesar de toda la presión, pude mantener mi propio equilibrio emocional y ayudar a mi familia a hacerlo también. Compartí con ellos la importancia de observarnos durante esos días difíciles y anticipar las inevitables emociones negativas para no doblegarnos ante ellas. Esto nos permitió poder detenernos ante los primeros signos de angustia, miedo o enojo, e intervenir con una pregunta, una sonrisa, un momento de calma, una conversación o una oración.

Adaptabilidad

La adaptabilidad me permitió ajustarme a mi lucha diaria y mantener a mi familia a flote. Sin esta competencia, no habría podido reconocer que tenia los recursos internos para enfrentar los desafíos de esos días.

Intencionalmente me hice consciente de la temporalidad de esta situación y busqué formas de minimizar su impacto. Esto me permitió quitarme los tacones y el sombrero ejecutivo y recolectar agua, buscar carbón o leña, reorganizar las tareas domésticas y replanificar actividades significativas.

Mi intención no era adaptarme a estar sin electricidad para siempre. La adaptabilidad no es conformismo; esta habilidad me permitió ajustarme a la situación, despertando la posibilidad de aprender de ella.

Perspectiva Positiva

En los momentos menos estresantes, encontré un espacio para tomar ventaja de la competencia de perspectiva positiva. En particular, utilicé una micro técnica de visualización que repetí cada vez que lo consideré necesario. Intencionalmente, me centré en la situación en la que quería estar; la imaginé, le di color y sentimiento. Sabía que mi cerebro no haría diferencia entre si esto era imaginario o real.

Abrigada bajo esta competencia, encontré que el apagón también me dio más tiempo para hablar con mis hijas, sentarme alrededor de un juego de mesa a la luz de las velas y retomar libros que había comenzado a leer.

Orientación al logro

También armé un plan para mantener mis objetivos del momento. Por ejemplo, para cumplir con mi compromiso de aprendizaje para la Certificación de Entrenamiento en Inteligencia Emocional, encontré la forma de cargar mi teléfono de manera que en  los momentos en que tuve el servicio telefónico, pude informar a mi equipo de aprendizaje sobre mi situación, programar reuniones y anticipar alternativas, previniendo que la situación se extendiera en el tiempo

Sé que soy afortunada y que estoy en una situación privilegiada. Mientras yo estaba enfocada en mi certificación, otros usaron estas habilidades para encontrar medicamentos y atención médica, o simplemente alimentar a sus familias y mantenerse hidratados.

Empatía

Y entre estas competencias fundamentales de la Inteligencia Emocional, la que más me consoló y me dio la oportunidad de ayudar a los demás fue la empatía.

Al escuchar sin interrumpir, sin juzgar y sin anticipar sus respuestas, pude entender mejor lo que mis hijas estaban pensando y sintiendo. La empatía me permitió estar conectada y ser compasiva en medio de la difícil situación.

A pesar de la necesidad de todos  por los recursos básicos, muchos de nosotros compartimos alimentos, agua, un generador para cargar algunos electrodomésticos y cocinas en las casas de las personas que tenían estufas de gas. También entendimos que las reacciones negativas a menudo no eran personales; eran reacciones a toda la situación. Comprender esto, es solo posible cuando te pones en los zapatos del otro y cultivas la compasión y la tolerancia. En mi experiencia, nada de eso es posible sin empatía. 

Competencias de la IE en la práctica

Aquí encontraras como puedes traducir estas competencias de Inteligencia Emocional en acciones concretas durante una situación como la que vivimos en Venezuela:

  • Desarrolla la conciencia de tus emociones. Cuando sientas miedo, ira, felicidad, amor u otra emoción, reconócela. Luego detente un momento y pregúntate cómo se siente, dónde se siente y cómo se manifiesta en tu cuerpo. Reconocer tus emociones es esencial para contar con una base sólida de Inteligencia Emocional.
  • Tómate un descanso, idealmente al comienzo del día, para practicar la meditación o una actividad que te calme. Si eres nuevo en la meditación, empieza haciendo al menos diez respiraciones profundas y lentas.
  • Toma conciencia de cómo reaccionas ante cada emoción y cuál es su desencadenante. Por ejemplo, si te levantas con la lista de todos tus pendientes y notas que u respiración comienza a acelerarse, deténte; acabas de encontrar un disparador. Prepárate para la forma en que reaccionará la próxima vez que detectes ese disparador.
  • Cuando detectes una emoción fuerte, no reacciones de inmediato. Al tomarte el tiempo para hacer una pausa, la respuesta a tu emoción será una reacción del neocortex de tu cerebro, que puede anular las reacciones emocionales, y no de tu amígdala, que es automática y, a menudo, irracional.
  • Adáptate a las nuevas condiciones. Esto te permitirá la calma necesaria para construir un plan. Visualízate logrando tu plan; tu cerebro no hará distinciones entre si el logro de tu plan sucede en la realidad o en tu imaginación, aprovéchalo.
  • Cuando incorpores nuevas rutinas, recuerda tratarte con amabilidad, calcula los riesgos y tómete el tiempo para adaptarte.
  • Recuerda que esta situación no define tu vida; convierte esto en un mantra y no le otorgues más poder a la situación.
  • Practica la tolerancia y la compasión. Si tienes conocimiento de Inteligencia Emocional, ponlo al servicio de tu conexión con los demás y gestiona tus interacciones con la armonía que solo la Inteligencia Emocional puede brindarnos.

Por encima de todo, la Inteligencia Emocional consiste en reconocer nuestras emociones para navegarlas y conectarnos efectivamente con los demás. La IE no se trata de no sentir nuestras emociones ni de reprimirlas o controlarlas, se trata de controlar nuestras reacciones ante nuestras emociones.

En mi caso, una madrugada me encontré con mis lagrimas y me di el permiso de llorar, de sentir mi quiebre tejido de miedo, tristeza y rabia, lloré un rato hasta quedarme dormida vencida por el cansancio de la lucha de ese día.. y luego amaneció. Y consciente de mi emoción y de mi reacción, ese amanecer también me dió la oportunidad de elegir conducirme de manera emocionalmente inteligente, dejando mi granito de arena a mi país  y al mundo.

Posted on by

Compassion Takes Guts

When we think about the word, “compassion,” images of Mother Teresa and other angelic personas may come to mind–images of figures who have sacrificed something, be it cozy comforts or their lives. Compassion is also sometimes misconstrued as being soft and squishy: people who are nice, affectionate, and sweet all the time.

In reality, compassion does not require us to throw ourselves in front of a truck to save someone’s life, or that we give up our hopes and dreams for another. It doesn’t even require a national catastrophe for us to demonstrate compassion. Rather, we are faced daily with decision points that allow us to practice compassion on an individual level.

Compassion extends beyond feeling sorry for the suffering of others, and while it’s grounded in empathy, it is actually not the same. Empathy is often characterized as feeling “with,” whereas compassion fuels our desire to alleviate suffering. In this way, compassion is empathy combined with the impetus to act. In fact, different parts of our brain get activated by compassion than by empathy. Studies by neuroscientist Tania Singer, at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Germany, show that when we practice empathy, our mirror neurons are in tune with the emotions of the other person: When that person feels pain, the area of our brain for pain also activates. We feel what they feel.

However, this doesn’t always mean we act. In fact, we may become too paralyzed to help when we are struck by empathy–so that we turn away from helping because what we feel is too painful. On the other hand, when we practice compassion, we activate the part of our brain associated with maternal and prosocial behavior; we are concerned and we become motivated to help.

“When we practice compassion, we activate the part of our brain associated with maternal and prosocial behavior; we are concerned and we become motivated to help.” Click To Tweet

So why are we sometimes moved to help, and other times not? Daniel Goleman references the famous study of Princeton Theological Seminary students to explain. Divinity students were given a sermon topic to practice. Some of them were given the Parable of the Good Samaritan. They were asked to walk to another building to deliver the sermon. During that walk they each encountered a man clearly in need. Some students stopped; others didn’t. The researchers found that the gap didn’t have to do with the sermon topic, but with how much of a hurry they were in. In other words, when they were rushed, they focused on their own needs. While practicing their sermons on being Good Samaritans, they forgot to be Good Samaritans.

This is the paradox, Goleman says, of living in the Anthropocene Age (the geological age in which one species–humans–impact every other species), while our brains were formed during the Pleistocene Age (Ice Age). During the Ice Age we were (and still often are) ruled by our amygdala, our brain’s 9-1-1 alarm system. This part of the brain is oblivious to the impact of our individual, micro-actions on others.

Still, our brains are actually primed for compassion. It is in our nature to want to help. As Dr. Goleman points out, the minute we “attend to the other person, we automatically empathize, we automatically feel with them.” If we remain preoccupied with ourselves, however, we can’t be present enough to even notice that someone else needs help, let alone get past our own personal pain to a point from which we can take action.

The good news is that compassion can be cultivated. The more Self-Aware we are–the more attuned we become to what is happening internally–the better we can engage with the world beyond ourselves. The greater attention we pay to Self-Management–our ability to manage any emotional triggers or reactions–the better we can navigate these emotions in order to help others. The more we recognize our motivation–what drives us–the more we can stay true to our core values. Moreover, those who nurture the Relationship Management competencies of Emotional Intelligence, “have a genuine interest in helping people, especially those who could benefit from their experience.”

“The more Self-Aware we are–the more attuned we become to what is happening internally–the better we can engage with the world beyond ourselves.”Click To Tweet

But it’s not so easy.

Sure, we can picture ourselves as compassionate beings donating money to help a worthy cause 3,000 miles away. Yet when it comes to our own interactions, showing compassion may be a lot harder. Imagine you have witnessed inappropriate or off-color behaviors and comments from your boss and have noticed how that has created a toxic work environment. You recognize that there have been some ethical, if not legal, transgressions, but at the same time, you care about your teammates, your relationship with your boss, and your job security.

What might be a compassionate response?

LinkedIn’s Jeff Weiner, who has been at the forefront of promoting compassionate leadership, would suggest that a compassionate response is neither to let such behaviors slide nor to launch an all-out assault on the transgressor. Instead, compassionate responses require us to recognize our own triggers, try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, and to have the courage to take a stand.

Perhaps your boss’s inappropriate comments were borne out of insecurity or a complete lack of awareness. While that doesn’t abdicate them of responsibility, putting ourselves in their shoes allows us to witness the situation without being swept away by our own emotional triggers. Doing so may also help us understand how the boss’s actions impact the team. It also allows us to reflect on how our actions may be in service of a greater good. Are we confronting our boss or reporting them out of pettiness, or are we doing so in service of the team and for the boss’s own professional growth and development?

As Thupten Jinpa, the Dalai Lama’s translator, noted, compassion requires a heck of a lot courage. It isn’t about blind forgiveness, ignorance, or revenge, but about stepping into challenging situations in the service of something greater. In times of great uncertainty, whether at the global or local level, compassion is vital to the well-being of ourselves and others.

“Compassionate responses require us to recognize our own triggers, try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, and to have the courage to take a stand.”Click To Tweet


Posted on by

Emotional Intelligence in Action: Team Transformation Begins

Do you despair when you read about the importance of Emotional Intelligence because you know you and your team lack it and you can’t see how to improve it?

You are not alone.

A leader who engaged me to transform her performance and that of her team told me that when she finished reading Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, she cried.

“As the importance of Emotional Intelligence dawned on me, so did the humbling realization that I didn’t have much of it. Worse yet, I had no idea how to improve. Positive outlook and inspirational leadership felt out of reach for me. I felt despair–destined to keep experiencing the stressful consequences of negative thinking, reactive communication, and working long hours to try and compensate for my poor collaboration and leadership skills.”

Today, this leader and her team have transformed.

They have gone from not wanting to go to work, not seeing eye-to-eye, disappointed in their performance, and embarrassed about being perceived by others as a dysfunctional team to feeling happy to go to work, collaborating harmoniously, and achieving better business outcomes. This transformation has been so profound others have noticed. Previously skeptical managers from neighboring teams are now seeking out Mindfulness training and Emotional Intelligence coaching to help their teams too.

In this and forthcoming articles in my series, “Emotional Intelligence in Action,” I’m going to take you on a journey in which I share the approaches that worked. In this article, I recount an activity from the initial training day that instigated immediate and inspiring increases in emotionally intelligent behaviors and that created the foundation for high levels of engagement in coaching and training over the next six months. By adopting (or adapting) the approaches I share, you can become an agent for positive change wherever you are, in whatever setting, right now.

“With the right approaches, you can become an agent for positive change wherever you are, in whatever setting, right now.”

Click To Tweet

An initial step to building Emotional Intelligence

I started by introducing the team to Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence framework. I did this playfully by having the team rate themselves from 1-10 for how capable they felt in each competency. I read aloud polarized and entertaining examples for the behavioral indicators of low and high skills in each of the twelve competencies (e.g., “If you have no idea what motivates your staff and no interest or idea in how to find out, then you currently have low competency in Coach & Mentor”). During a 10-second pause between competencies, the team rated their capacity from 1 (low) to 10 (high) on a worksheet and then scored their current baseline level of Emotional Intelligence (out of 120).

Limitations of this approach

While the self-assessment approach has limitations and is not meant to replace the complete picture offered by a 360-style assessment, it can help teams become motivated to improve, build self-efficacy, and support collaboration. It is an approach that can be readily adopted by any consultant or leader.

Strengths of this approach

To articulate the value of this exercise, I highlight the literature that inspired it and the positive impact it made, below:

Connecting with the personal meaning of information fuels motivation.

Using relatable behavioral descriptors in the self-assessment of each competency helped individuals to connect with the personal relevance of Emotional Intelligence. Research tells us that when activities have personal meaning, we’re more motivated to get engaged. Making the descriptions of the competencies easily understandable and relatable drove high-level engagement on the first day and generated appetite to learn more in coming months.

Creating a fun environment diffuses tension and optimizes learning.

Making this activity fun was intentional and beneficial. This team entered the room stressed out, highly sensitive to negative feedback, and wary of the session. Emotions influence dopamine and impact the neural networks responsible for learning. Beginning playfully created a relaxed atmosphere that optimized the learning environment and visibly established great rapport for the upcoming coaching journey.

Setting up early opportunities for success builds self-efficacy.

Self-Awareness is the foundation of Emotional Intelligence. By highlighting how a simple 10-minute activity had already positively impacted their Self-Awareness (and therefore their Emotional Intelligence) the team experienced self-efficacy in developing Emotional Intelligence. This early win served as a source of inspiration for more positive change.

“Research tells us that when activities have personal meaning, we’re more motivated to get engaged.”

Click To Tweet

Emotional Intelligence literacy supports communication & collaboration.

The exercise established entry-level Emotional Intelligence literacy, enabling the team to communicate about the intrapersonal and interpersonal processes influencing their work. Having a framework to discuss struggles and aspirations opened up courageous communication and creative problem solving amongst the team.

Group-level awareness of our common humanity creates Empathy.

When everyone raised their hands to signal they had identified both strengths and areas for improvement across the suite of competencies, it changed the mood in the room. Many team members commented on what a relief it was to see how everyone, not just them, recognized that they have “things to work on.” Through this simple step, a greater sense of connectivity, comradery, and Empathy emerged. It was beautiful to witness, and it signaled the beginning of the individual and group-level transformation that was to continue.

Transformation takes places progressively, one step at a time.

There is much more that we did on that initial day and over the following months to progressively transform this team’s culture from toxicity to empowered productivity. I will share more with you in the next article to further equip and inspire you with simple yet powerful ideas to boost your own Emotional Intelligence and performance as well as that of your team.

Emotional Intelligence makes a difference in people’s lives.

The leader who cried after first reading about Emotional Intelligence emailed me after the training day to say it was the best training she had experienced. When I asked her why she said: “Because I left the day feeling empowered that I could change and that the team could change too. I started to think positively about our possibilities for the first time in a long time, and that is of great value to me.”

“Group-level awareness of our common humanity creates Empathy.”

Click To Tweet

Posted on by

How Mindfulness Helps Leaders Manage Conflict

In my study of the relationship between mindfulness and leader effectiveness, understanding the role of conflict was a career-altering realization for the forty-two leaders I interviewed. These leaders provided in-depth descriptions of Conflict Management, which is one of the twelve competencies in the Emotional Intelligence model developed by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis. Strength in Conflict Management involves the ability to navigate emotionally charged situations in a diplomatic manner, which often requires open discussion and skillful de-escalation. Individuals with strength in this competency will also be:

  •      Comfortable discussing disagreements
  •      Effective communicators of the positions of all parties involved in a conflict
  •      Skilled in resolving disputes by discussing mutually beneficial goals
  •      Capable of openly talking about disagreements

Conflict Management relies on an individual’s ability to recognize their role in disagreements, either as a participant or a mediator. This necessitates Self-Awareness, since leaders must be aware of how people receive their behaviors if they hope to create an environment where others can safely express themselves. Development of this level of awareness requires active (real-time) self-observation and time spent reflecting on how conflicts could have had a better outcome for all involved.

Become Aware of Opportunities Lost to Conflict

Many of the leaders I interviewed credited mindfulness with helping them wake up to the relationship between conflict and poor-quality workplace interactions. Examples included understanding why coworkers were unwilling to help them, and why their teams lacked creativity and engagement. Exploration of their own role in these relationships led to a realization that their need to feel in control prompted conflict-inducing behaviors.

Leaders described gradually becoming able to see that they didn’t need to feel that they were leading every meeting or making every decision. For instance, the head of an interdisciplinary treatment program at a leading cancer center reported becoming aware of others’ unwillingness to cooperate with him. With the help of mindfulness he was able to recognize the risk to his own success created by focusing too heavily on his own personal agenda. As a result, he began investing more time in developing his ability to identify and address the needs of others, which led to not only a reduction in conflict, but also more supportive and collaborative relationships.

“Leaders with strengths in Conflict Management are capable of openly talking about disagreements and are skilled in resolving disputes by discussing goals that are mutually beneficial.”

Click To Tweet

Participants specifically mentioned a reduction in emotional reactivity resulting from mindfulness, which they directly linked to less conflict in the workplace. The founder of a leading global consulting firm summarized these changes in the following statement: “It’s made me less reactive to my judgments and more thoughtful and compassionate, both with myself and other people. It’s made me more mindful not only of what I’m reacting to, but because I have that insight about myself, I’m also more able to notice when other people are being reactive.”

Leaders also credited mindfulness with an improved capacity for identifying and managing stress, which they considered a primary cause of workplace conflict. For instance, a senior leader with a major US hospital network described his increased strength in Conflict Management as: ”… the ability to be able to pause and not react in the heat of the moment. And instead, to be able to look underneath the feeling of anger, irritability … to see what is that really tapping into … that enables me to respond in way that’s more effective.” Many other participants also described an improved ability to minimize conflict once they became better at regulating stress. They specifically attributed these changes to positive outcomes such as successful departmental management during massive layoffs, preventing the loss of angry key clients, and maintaining production during highly volatile circumstances.

How to More Effectively Manage Conflict

Insights from this study into how leaders can strengthen their ability to manage conflict focused on two aspects of awareness: First, identify what triggers your conflict response by analyzing specific experiences. Second, develop the ability to identify what beliefs, fears, or potentially unmet needs may cause negative reactions in others.

You can further improve your ability to manage conflict by taking the following steps:

  1.     Learn to detect the early signs of conflict arising in yourself, both emotional and physical.
  2.     Refine your ability to regulate internal reactions that may lead to conflict.
  3.     Identify and work to understand the causal beliefs behind these reactions.
  4.     Invite others to express opinions that don’t align with yours and listen attentively.
  5.     Help those with opposing views find common ground and develop mutual respect.

Above all, the leaders I interviewed learned to view effectively managed conflict as an opportunity to surface potentially significant problems, strengthen relationships, and boost engagement. They were only able to realize this value once they invested in recognizing, and then giving up their need to feel important or in control. Finally, leaders reported that strengths in Conflict Management resulted in more respect from co-workers, which directly contributed to professional advancement.

“Leaders credit mindfulness with an improved capacity for identifying and managing stress, which they consider a primary cause of workplace conflict.”

Click To Tweet

Posted on by

Room for Growth: Overcoming Our Fixed Mental Habits

Underlying beliefs play an important role in how we learn and grow. When you believe you can grow, you understand that effort will improve your performance and lead to increased happiness and well-being. Stanford researcher, Carol Dweck, coined the terms “fixed mindset” and “growth mindset” to describe underlying beliefs people have about learning and intelligence.  

  • With a Fixed Mindset, you believe whatever talents or capabilities you have, including intelligence or creativity, are static, “you’re either born with it or you’re not.” You believe striving to improve will only get you so far–and there is an inherent inability to excel in something you aren’t “gifted” in. This fixed mindset also holds true for your belief about what others can or cannot achieve.
  • With a Growth Mindset, you believe your capabilities are a baseline and improvement can occur with intentional effort, persistence, and practice. You understand abilities can be developed.

Dweck’s research identifies how the beliefs you adopt about your ability to change and grow deeply impact how you live your life. The truth is we all vacillate between the two extremes of fixed and growth mindset, depending on our mood, our confidence, and the circumstances we find ourselves in.

“When you believe you can grow, you understand that effort will improve your performance and lead to increased happiness and well-being.”

Click To Tweet

Maureen’s Story

Take the story of Maureen, a manager in a tech company, who routinely felt sidelined in meetings despite her subject matter expertise. She struggled to move her projects forward because she was quiet, and her colleagues tended to talk over her. Maureen knew she was smart. She graduated at the top of her class from an Ivy league school and loved her field of work (no problem with a growth mindset, here). However, she believed her shyness was a personal deficit. She thought being a persuasive communicator was just not in her wheelhouse and never would be. Consequently, she resigned herself to remaining in the shadows of more extroverted peers.

Here, Maureen’s self-limiting beliefs (SLBs), a type of fixed mindset, were demotivating her from trying to improve. They were thoughts that became mental habits, leading her down a behavioral path that kept her from realizing her goals and potential.

Calling Out Self-Limiting Beliefs

There are times when our beliefs about ourselves get in our way. Often, SLBs are unconsciously-held beliefs. Increasing our Self-Awareness can enable us to recognize SLBs. But even then, sometimes we don’t see that which is closest to us. This is where working with a coach can be beneficial. A good coach can help us spot our SLBs before we spot them on our own. We can also actively retrain our brains to think with a growth, rather than fixed mindset. 

Cultivate a Growth Mindset, Try This:

Over the next month, notice when you have negative or self-critical thoughts about yourself. Pay attention to what triggers self-critical thoughts and how you feel when you experience these thoughts. Then, replace the self-limiting belief with a growth mindset response.

Everyone falls into SLBs sometimes. We just need to notice when our brains are stuck and remind ourselves that our brains are built to grow, change, and learn. What can you say instead?

  1. The power of yet: Add yet at the end of your fixed mindset statements.
    Example: “I can’t do this.” → “I can’t do this YET!”
  2.  Say stop: When your SLB voice is getting out of hand, tell yourself to stop and clear your mind before continuing.
  3. Start using the word you instead of I. Example: “I got this.” → “YOU got this!”

The most important thing to remember when it comes to mindsets is this: the thoughts and beliefs we hold have the potential to empower or defeat us. Our narratives are a significant part of our lives we CAN control. Growth mindset is the belief that skills can be nurtured through learning and effort. By reframing our self-limiting thoughts as they occur, we can train our brains for positive growth and open ourselves up new opportunities.  

“The thoughts and beliefs we hold have the potential to empower or defeat us.”

Click To Tweet

Recommended Reading:

Want to learn about the competencies that comprise Emotional Intelligence? Our series of primers focuses on the twelve Emotional and Social Intelligence Leadership Competencies, which include Emotional Self-Awareness, Adaptability, and Empathy.

The primers are written by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis, co-creators of the Emotional and Social Intelligence Leadership Competency Model, along with a range of colleagues, thought-leaders, researchers, and leaders with expertise in the various competencies. Explore the full list of primers by topic, or get the complete collection!

For more in-depth reading on leadership and EI, What Makes a Leader: Why Emotional Intelligence Matters presents Daniel Goleman’s ground-breaking, highly sought-after articles from the Harvard Business Review and other business journals in one volume. It features more than half a dozen articles, including “Reawakening Your Passion for Work.”

Posted on by

Brain’s Blind Spots

When we hear the words “Diversity & Inclusion,” some of us cringe or roll our eyes, not because we don’t care, but because we feel uncomfortable, guilty, or feel we don’t need any training in it because “we’re not racist.” Yet every day, we read a news story where someone’s hidden biases trigger a potentially harmful action, from calling 911 on a congresswoman visiting her constituents to using racial slurs on political opponents. “Diversity & Inclusion” is necessary but insufficient; as Emotional Intelligence and training expert Michelle Maldonado notes, we need to move from “Diversity & Inclusion” to “Belonging & Unity.”

One first step we can take is to recognize our lack of awareness of what influences our decisions, actions, and perceptions of other people. According to Leonard Mlodinow, scientists estimate that 95% of what happens in our brains is beyond our conscious awareness. In other words, we’re only 5% aware of why we think and act and feel the way we do. The majority of what dominates our mental activity is unconscious.

Our world is filled with differences. We are naturally drawn towards what is familiar and deemed “safe,” like family members who, for the most part, look and smell like us, and we move away from what is unfamiliar. Our brains use heuristics, or mental shortcuts, to help us navigate a complex world. We unconsciously build beliefs about different groups of people outside of “our tribe,” based on various socially constructed or identity markers, to help us organize our social world.

“We’re only 5% aware of why we think and act and feel the way we do.

Click To Tweet

Similarity bias is our preference for others who are similar to us. Our brain’s natural inclination to categorize our world starts at a young age. David Kelly found that babies as young as three months show a preference for those with a similar race to them. The chances are that these babies are not “racist,” but unconsciously, they realize that their main caregivers are their sources of comfort, food, safety, and diaper changes. More often than not, these caregivers are related and therefore, “look” like them. Such biases may persistent in adulthood unconsciously in how we act. University of Michigan researcher Jesse Chandler found that people were 260% more likely to donate to hurricane relief efforts if the hurricane’s name began with the same letter as their first initial.

Our brains are also subject to implicit egotism, the notion that we think more favorably about others like ourselves. We are more likely to respond to a stranger’s email if they share our name, and we’re more likely to help someone out if they went to the same university. The opposite occurs unconsciously as well. Have you ever met someone new that you irrationally didn’t like or felt animosity towards them simply because they share a name with a childhood bully? That’s our unconscious brain at work.

Our hidden biases also are influenced by visual bias. Our optic nerves attach to our retinas in a way that means we have actual blind spots, and so our brains fill in the visual gap we can’t see. Similarly, when it comes to how we view and evaluate other people, if we have missing data about another person, we tend to take the little bit we know about the social categorization of that person and fill in the rest of the information. For example, if you meet someone of Nepalese descent for the first time, and the only bit of information you have about Nepal is that it is a Buddhist nation, you might assume that they are Buddhist and hesitate to include them in your Passover Seder.

“Our optic nerves attach to our retinas in a way that means we have actual blind spots, and so our brains fill in the visual gap we can’t see.”

Click To Tweet

Even though we think we evaluate others based on their individual qualities in rational and deliberate ways, our brain’s automatic processing is influenced by cultural and social messages around stereotypes and the “Other.” Groupthink can lead to “Othering,” whereby we discourage individual disagreements or thoughts for the sake of wanting to belong to the “in-group.” Daniel Goleman offers important insights into how groupthink may manifest in the workplace and what to do about it. While we have seen historical incidences of how groupthink can cause irreparable harm, from the Holocaust to the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II, “Othering” in the workplace can lead to lower performance, well-being, and engagement. UCLA psychologist Naomi Eisenberger found that the area of our brain associated with physical pain is also associated with feeling left out. When we overlook the administrative assistant during lunchtime as we sit with our cubemates daily to eat, we may be impacting their feeling of belonging, even though our intentions are not to exclude.

It is therefore important that we consider how to build psychological safety into our environments, whereby people feel safe to express their true and whole selves without judgment or reprisal. When we do, people feel confident to express opinions, have disagreements, and show up. In fact, Google researched hundreds of its own teams to find out why some thrived and others wilted and discovered that psychological safety was the number one factor. In short, if we want high-performing teams that bring diversity of perspective and a sense of inclusion and belonging, we must build trust, raise our awareness, and reach out to others.

By using our brain’s natural structural functions, we can hack our minds to bring greater curiosity of the “Other,” Self-Awareness of our own unconscious thinking, and Empathy to find similarities with others who may appear different than us. Emotional Balance can help us raise our awareness and ability to move from unconscious to conscious. As Daniel Goleman notes, “when it comes to diversity, you’re seeing people who have a range of backgrounds, of understandings, and of abilities. And the more diverse team is going to be the one with the largest array of talents, and so it will be the one with the potential best performance.”

“If we want high-performing teams that bring diversity of perspective and a sense of inclusion and belonging, we must build trust, raise our awareness, and reach out to others.”

Click To Tweet

Recommended Resources:

 

For further reading, our series of primers focuses on the twelve Emotional and Social Intelligence Leadership Competencies, which include Emotional Self-Awareness, Emotional Balance, and Empathy.

The primers are written by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis, co-creators of the Emotional and Social Intelligence Leadership Competency Model, along with a range of colleagues, thought-leaders, researchers, and leaders with expertise in the various competencies. Explore the full list of primers by topic, or get the complete collection!

Posted on by

Discover the Importance of Self-Empathy

The Empathy competency enables us to interpret unspoken emotions and to understand a range of perspectives. With empathic concern, our understanding of others extends to caring deeply for them. But it is also important that we practice Empathy towards ourselves.

When we experience empathic concern or feel compassion toward others, we become the first to benefit. Empathizing with another person activates our brain’s salience network, enabling us to experience our compassion first-hand. In this way, compassion is beneficial for others as well as for our own well-being. It creates inner happiness independent of receiving compassion ourselves.

We can also practice Self-Empathy by treating ourselves with kindness. Many of us have been conditioned to be highly critical of our mistakes. We may be far tougher on ourselves than on our friends and coworkers.

“When we experience empathic concern or feel compassion toward others, we become the first to benefit.”

Click To Tweet

Strengths in Emotional Self-Awareness can enhance our understanding of how we treat ourselves. We recommend you take a moment to reflect on these statements and also ask someone who knows you well whether they think these statements are true for you.

  • When I make a mistake, I tend to be very critical of myself.
  • When I look back, I tend to remember the mistakes I have made rather than the successes I have had.
  • I can be really heartless toward myself when I feel down or am struggling.
  • When it comes to achieving my goals, I can be really tough on myself.
  • I am driven to achieve my goals and set very high standards for myself and those around me.

If you found yourself agreeing with most of these statements, and the significant people in your life also agreed, you are not alone. Many of us were raised to believe that being brutally self-critical was necessary in order to achieve the highest standards. Indeed, you may still believe that if you aren’t hard on yourself you will become lazy, aimless, or complacent.

In some instances, practicing Self-Empathy can make it easier to expand our circle of caring and to extend compassion toward others. But if you identify as extremely self-critical, it can be helpful to begin with compassion for others. Caring for others makes it easier to love and forgive ourselves.

When we take responsibility for forgiving and caring for ourselves, the compassion we extend to others also becomes more genuine. Self-Empathy enhances our confidence and inner strength and opens us up to connection and shared purpose. This enables us to inspire others with our vision and articulate common goals.

Self-Empathy can also make it easier to forgive people in our lives. When we replace self-criticism with self-understanding and accept that as humans we will inevitably make mistakes, it becomes easier to extend this understanding to others.

Practicing empathic concern doesn’t mean that we allow others to walk all over us. Rather, we can act strongly when necessary and remain open to helping everyone, including ourselves. By combining Empathy for ourselves with Empathy for others, we can find our inner strength and make meaningful connections with people from all walks of life.

“Caring for others makes it easier to love and forgive ourselves.”

Click To Tweet

Recommended Resources:

For further reading, our series of primers focuses on the twelve Emotional and Social Intelligence Leadership Competencies, which include Emotional Self-Awareness, Empathy, and Coach & Mentor.

The primers are written by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis, co-creators of the Emotional and Social Intelligence Leadership Competency Model, along with a range of colleagues, thought-leaders, researchers, and leaders with expertise in the various competencies. Explore the full list of primers by topic, or get the complete collection!